Earlier today underneath BLk 124b Bukit Merah View, my darling Kid asked me a question, "Mase matair you meninggal that time, you nangis?"

No baby.

During that point of time, i didn't shed a single tear. I stared into space and simply zone out when his body was brought back from the hospital. I kissed him on the forehead before they gave him his one last bath. I sat one corner hugging his mother and little sister, and staring at his lifeless body in the middle of the hall. I didn't smile, i gave no expression...for a while, it seemed like i died with him. I did everything a mourning girlfriend would do. Everything, except cry. No, i didn't shed a tear because i was dehydrated, after buckets of tears wasted on the second i learned of his death. So during the ceremony, uh-uh, no tears. None.

But when the Ustaz read the talqin (sp?), at the foot of his grave after he was lowered down, when the earth soil fell upon his body already seven feet down in the ground, that is when i shed the first real tear. That's when my heart cried. And that's when i feel like just slipping together into the hole dug for him when nobody's looking. And that's when i stared at the grave and shouted for him in my head. "Abang! Kluar...get out of there please. Baby, they are covering you in soil. You gotta get out abang...please baby. I love you so much. I miss you. Please. Please..."

And my heart bleeds just to know that the name we used to play-pretend during one of our angan-angan wedding dreams (Aku nikah kan engkau Md. Zafer Sayid Bin Abduh...) is now etched on a tombstone dated 9 May 1985 - 5 April 2005.

Today, the myriad of policemen escorting arwah Halim to his grave, made me relived the past. Of course, then there was no escort because Zafer isn't exactly a man of importance. I hugged Sab, hugged Dee and i hugged Nad. Dear dear Nadiah whom i know exactly how she's feeling. The feel of knowing he is gone, and there was no last words, and when you get to see him, he refused to open his eyes.

Nad baby, believe me, i understand. You've been through a lot before...i'm sure you can pull through this one. I did. Sab did. So will you.

I never met Halim. Only heard of him through the many problems his relationship and Nad had. And to know that Nad has lost her one true love in a split second, in mere minutes, it numbed my every senses. I don't want Nadiah to feel what sab and i have felt, but i guess it's unavoidable now.

Allah loves him more, and Allah wants to open all of our eyes. Allah Hu Akhbar.


And dear God? Once is enough for me please. Please please do not let any of the people that i know go through this traumatic moments again. Please dear dear God, if you do have to take a loved one away from someone...atleast let them have farewell exchanges by the death bed instead of just a split second pronouncement of death, no goodbye, no last words, no seeing him for the last time.


And God please, don't take Sab and Nad away from me. And Md Khidzir Ahmad too...i need him forever. I will lose it if you decide to take him away like how you took Zafer away walaupun aku redha pemergiannya ya Allah.


Ya Allah, kau cucurilah rahmat ke atas roh Allahyarham Abdul Halim Bin Abdul Samad. For every wrongdoings and sins, grant him forgiveness please. Sesungguhnya Engkau Maha Pengampun. Berikan lah keluarganya dan Nadiah Binte Sapuan the strength and courage to move on in this life without him by their side. And let the prayers of every relative, friends and acquantainces lessen his pain in hereafter.

Amin amin ya rabbal alamin.